One of the most common experiences people have when trying to solve a problem is getting resistance – resistance to change, resistance to new ideas, just plain old resistance, the digging-in-of-heels. How do we avoid this?

Most often, we are the very source of that resistance. Yes, we cause it – not on purpose, but by how we talk to other people. Take a read of this excerpt from BrainFishing: The single most common way we communicate and engage with each other is through “telling”. We talk at people. Spitting out words or phrases aimed at others. Targeting them with our brilliant thoughts. Explaining ad nauseum. I tell you about my project, I tell you why it’s important, I tell you what I need from you, tell you why your idea won’t work, tell you I like you, tell you I don’t like you, etc. Here’s how that kind of telling usually makes people react:

• I tell you what I need from you (I’m busy)
• I tell you why your idea won’t work (Yours won’t work either)
• I tell you I like you (That’s just flattery and BS)
• I tell you I don’t like you (Well, I don’t like you either!)

You can see the pattern. When we tell, when we assert something, it somehow causes the other party to take the opposite point of view. Newton identified this principle back in the 1600’s, while inventing physics. Newton’s Third Law of Motion states that:

Phrased in the BrainFishing way, it might sound like this:

In other words, if I assert that something is true, you tend to focus on and tell me the reasons it may not be true. Even if I assert something you know to be 98% true, what do you focus on in your response? Most likely, it’s the 2%. So telling, in and of itself, draws an opposing argument – almost automatically (kind of like physics, right?). The net result is this: When I tell, I tend to make my own job harder. I make achieving my goal – of finding any solution, let alone a solution that works for both of us – much more difficult. I create the very resistance I’m trying to avoid. I attract attention and push-back, instead of attention and engagement.

Like the Borg in Star Trek say, “Resistance is futile”. Perhaps, for our purposes, we should say, “Creating Resistance is Futile!” Because it is.

So, stop creating resistance in others by telling, or asserting your position. Ask questions instead. Make them think. Engage their brain (and we mean their Blue Brain). They’ll get interested. And change, when it makes sense to someone, happens quickly. Re-read Chapter One in BrainFishing – then go on to Chapter Two for how you can make that shift in yourself, and create the shift in everyone else. You won’t be able to resist giving it a try.